This article is one of several concerning the importance of Mental Health and Christianity, researched and written by Mrs. Andrina Jordan (MA, LPC, NCC, CPCS). For more information about her practice, visit 712 Q.A.C.C. Counseling For The Soul, LLC.

Most of us have heard the phrase, “forgive and forget”. Is this possible? Is it necessary? Let’s ponder this for a moment. I would dare say that yes, it is necessary to forgive, especially if we are dealing with the word of God. Jesus instructs us in Mark 11:25-26 to forgive one another so the father may forgive us.

“And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.” – Mark 11:25-26 KJV

Matthew 6:14-15 says the exact same thing.

“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” – Matthew 6:14-15 KJV

Therefore, it is necessary for us to forgive in order to be forgiven by our heavenly Father. If we are not forgiven by the Father, then how can we be reconciled to him and reign with him in his kingdom eternally? Does this then mean that we must forget when someone has offended us? Absolutely not, especially if one continues to repeat the same offense over and over. You might say . . . what about turning the other cheek? Yes, the bible says that we must continue to forgive.

“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?” – Matthew 18:21 KJV

Luke 17:3-4 gives us more detail on what repeated forgiveness looks like. 

“Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.” – Luke 17:3-4 KJV

These verses offer a contingency. We have a responsibility to rebuke the spirit of unrighteousness. The offender has the responsibility to repent. Does this mean, if one does not come to you and verbally repent, then you should not forgive them? No. We can still choose to forgive someone who has not verbally repented to us. However, forgiveness does not mean that we have to forget. Forgetting the offense is not a requirement for forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is a choice to let go of anger, animosity, grudges, and resentment; a choice to not pursue revenge because vengeance belongs to the Lord.

“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” – Romans 12:19 KJV

Forgiveness is “…a choice to let go of the need to be right and place blame; a choice to let go of viewing one’s self as a victim but instead a survivor who has been victimized.” When we choose to view ourselves as victims, we stay in a mindset of victimization. This often involves feelings of anger, guilt, shame, frustration, fear, worry, sadness, powerlessness, confusion and stress. When we choose to view ourselves as a survivor who has been victimized we acknowledge the offense and choose healing. Hence, we have not forgotten but have chosen to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean that there has to be reconciliation. Sometimes reconciliation is not possible and that is ok. Forgiveness does offer resolve, which is much different than reconciliation. 

More often than not people believe that forgiveness is for the benefit of the other person. Forgiveness actually is quite the opposite. Forgiveness is more for the benefit of self. When we choose to forgive we are choosing to focus on our own healing versus spending wasted energy and countless hours focusing on the offender (who could probably care less). Forgiveness affords us the opportunity to release feelings of anger, hurt, pain, worry and stress. This in turn reduces stress, symptoms of depression, anxiety and PTSD. Forgiveness in conjunction with the proper health care regiment may even eliminate symptoms of the above mental health diagnoses all together. Forgiveness also creates opportunity for us to develop and maintain healthy relationships. Having healthy trusting relationships contribute to positive mental health. When we choose to forgive we take back our power! We get to write our narrative instead of allowing the offense to dictate our future. We regain peace, love, power and clarity.

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” – 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV

How do we begin to forgive? What does this process look like? There are four phases of forgiveness.

• Uncovering: Gaining better understanding of the offence and how it has impacted your life.
• Deciding: Gaining greater awareness of what it means to forgive. Then decide if you will forgive or not.
• Work: Gaining better understanding of the offender. 
• Deepening: Releasing negative emotions. Finding meaning in your experience.

I am adding a fifth phase which I have found to be very instrumental in the process of forgiveness.

• Pray: Connect with the most high God of Israel. Allow his holy spirit to comfort you.

Try keeping a journal for the next two weeks to begin your journey toward forgiveness. The first week focus on someone you would like to forgive. It can be for a past offense or a more recent offense. Week two complete the process again focusing on forgiving yourself. Use the following outline and writing prompts to get started.

Day 1 Sunday: Uncover – Describe how you were offended and why it was unfair. How has this event impacted you? (emotionally, physically, cognitively, etc.)

Day 2 Monday: Decide – What is your understanding of forgiveness? If you find that your understanding is limited, do some research (dictionary). Read scriptures on forgiveness. What are the advantages and disadvantages of forgiveness. How do you think life would be if you did choose to forgive? 

Day 3 Tuesday: Work – What do you know about the offenders life (childhood, life at the time of the offense)? Could this have impacted their behaviors? What are your feelings toward the offender and why? 

Day 4 Wednesday: Deepening – What have you learned or gained from this experience? What is something positive you can take away from it?

Day 5 Thursday: Pray – Journal your challenges with forgiveness. Ask God to provide you strength and courage to forgive. Provide peace and restore joy by sending his comforter. Pray that God’s will, will be done for all parties involved.

Day 6 Friday: Reflect – Reread the journal entries that you have written for the past 5 days. Do you feel any different about the incident or offender? Have your feelings changed (better, worse, indifferent)? Write what you want your future to look like.

Day 7 Saturday: Rest

*Remember to forgive yourself. Do not allow guilt and shame to hold you in a place of stagnation and pain. Give some grace and mercy to yourself. When you know better do better. Forgive yourself and rewrite your narrative.

I leave you with this . . .

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” – Ephesians 4:32 KJV